Section 2

Anger & Rage:  Purging Toxic Emotions
​(Part II)

Below are the final portions of the discussion I had with Sue concerning her struggle with anger and rage. Please note that my replies are in red:​​

Dear Paula,

Thank you. I have been a very passive person... all my life never allowed to speak about what was physically and mentally done to me as a child and I continued this 'silence lie' all my life into my senior years. This is why the purging is so intense. It's decades of repressed toxins. 

In the midst of my 2nd breakdown, it was so bad I was in a fetal position on my bed having flashbacks of me sucking my thumb. I was in such a bad way, I cried out to God and said "what do you want me to do?" I heard the Holy Spirit say almost in a command “I want you to get up and DANCE!!!!”..... so I took my half dead soul and danced with the Lord a very slow dance. The very next morning, my door bell rang . It was a co-worker / friend of mine. She said to me I don’t know why I bought you this but here. She handed me a book with a CD in it. It was the song “I hope you dance. I'd like to say I was cured after. You weren't cured, you have been going through a process.  But I am in my 3rd mental breakdown. This is not a mental breakdown, it's a purging. When you are vomiting, the body is eliminating bad stuff at which time you may have a fever, be weak, feel awful, but the vomiting and fever are indicators of the healing process going on. Yet, despite the healing that is going on, you may feel like you're dying. That's what's going on with you. First, your chemistry is undergoing a major overhaul. That alone can make you feel like you are dying or want to be dead. But as you know, you are going through a major emotional, mental and spiritual overhaul, too. You have been gobbling up mega spiritual truths, taking holy medicine for months if not years now, so all the emotional, mental and spiritual toxins are flying all over the place being purged. You're essentially buckled over the toilet right now, spewing it all out. That's not a mental breakdown, it's a healing process. As the vomit comes out, it feels like a position of weakness, defeat and vulnerability, but it's a part of the healing.   It is the worse darkness ever. It's the worst darkness because you've taken tons of medicine. You've taken in so much TRUTH that all the FALSE LIES are spastic in you. Everything is crazy in you at the moment. And all your old belief systems, all the pain, all the feelings you experienced ten, twenty, thirty, forty and fifty years ago and everything in between are all coming up and out. The thing is as you feel these old feelings, they feel real right now, even though you know the truth concerning them. Even if you have forgiven, etc. Because you repressed the feelings and never processed them, they are all coming up demanding to be PROCESSED at once. This includes all the anger. I mean, we're talking decades of experiences that made you legitimately angry - which you shoved down. It all needs processed. That's why I said to:  

  • Let it out and let it go
  • Cry and scream for the pain that it all was
  • Tell the violations and assaults that the redemptive power of Christ has rescued you
  • Thank God for His love that you are beginning to relate to in a real way
  • Praise God that though this life hurts, greater is HE that is in you than all the hurts in the world combined
  • Praise God that someday we'll all be with Him in paradise where there will no longer be any hurts
  • Repent for challenging or daring to curse God's sovereign will for you to be born (if applicable)

Doing this is processing it out and getting past it. There may be a bit more to it than that, God may address specific things more intricately. But this is the overall way to process out the toxins. But remember, you have tons of it coming up just like if you were over the toilet vomiting. You throw up some, then later more, then later more, etc. That's what's happening with you - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and chemically. It's a lot. It's not a mental breakdown. It's a purging.

​This is where the passivity comes in , I forget who I am in Christ. I forget that I have authority in Jesus name. I have come to know that there is a time where passivity must die and we are to rise up in what Jesus blood did for us. He has made us all Commanders of His Word... we must take an active stance...Paula I know this truth but to get there is as far as A is from Z.... When you are vomiting, you're in a healing process. There's a time for everything. Yes, the authority is in you, but right now the authority is cleaning you out. So you aren't going to be focused on commanding this or that, you are too busy having stuff purged out. Don't be disturbed with where you are in the process. I know you think you "should" be at Z right now, but you must go through the process to get there - without berating yourself for where you are. It's okay. I used to be where you are, feeling I would never get to Z. Well, I may not be at Z yet; perhaps V, perhaps S, perhaps Y. All I know is I did move drastically forward and you are too. It just doesn't feel like it while your head is stuck over the toilet.  

I spiritually feel I’m in a body cast.. unable to move or speak! Have you ever seen someone dance in a body cast??? I hear you, I know what you are saying. But part of the "power" of the body cast is due to the wrong belief systems still in the soul. What will happen is as the truth solidifies, the power of God will lift you out of the body cast. Indeed, sometimes it is a matter of getting up "in" the body cast to dance, as you once did. See, there's a lot going on, many variables to the process. Rising up in your lack of strength is sometimes one of those variables, one part, one key to overcoming. Tapping in to His authority and commanding is another. There is a different time for that. But the greatest key or variable... is KNOWING THE TRUTH. This is what makes us free. Sometimes, though, while we are in the process of healing and transformation, when the truth is trying to take root and is pushing out the toxins, we have to make the effort to rise up and dance and praise the Lord to let God manifest. 

But I just might go ahead and do it. ...I’ll call it the "you can’t hold me down" dance... as I move like Frankenstein throughout my house. Lol... for some reason I just saw in a vision of Lazareth coming out of the tomb. And the Lord saying loose him from his grave clothes... What amazing truth.  ~Sue.

To my replies in red, Sue responded:

Wow your words 'it’s not a mental breakdown but a healing process' was like a truth awakening. I never thought of it as such. And your repetitive use of the word “vomit” instantly brought back a vision I had at 23 years ago of being chased by Satan down this hallway with all these doors. In the vision I was running and then stopped abruptly and my mouth opened really wide and I started throwing g up petrified vomit that had been there for years.... I was pulling it out helping it out with my hands, it had to have been a few feet wide and solid.... is that not just the wildest of things to remember so very long ago? Sue.

OMG, do you see it? God has been walking you out of the dominion of darkness for DECADES. He showed you 23 years ago the process you'd be undergoing. You are living what you saw 23 years ago. Now pull it out - all of it - all of the petrified vomit. Pull it out!

Wow, eh, now that’s a process!!!!!  That is 35 years of process!

YES! See it for what it is - which is part of the END of the process!

If you were here I would give you a big hug... lol... this is huge for me, really huge... great revelations!!!! Thank you!!! ~Sue.

This correspondence with Sue concerning the purging of her toxic emotions may be an extreme situation, but the Lord has impressed upon my heart that it's quite common in the body of Christ. To one degree or another, God's people have repressed emotions and when they come up, they think they're failing or, as in Sue's case, having a mental breakdown - or a minor version of one. But, as we saw with Sue, the more we chase God's truths and embrace them, the more the pain, anger and lies in our souls must be purged. This may occur subtly, or, like Sue, violently. For most, somewhere in between. And though it feels like a defeat or breakdown in severe cases, it's not. It really is just part of the transformation of the soul. It's a purging of what does not belong in there. And it's ugly. But not to our defeat.

The point in sharing this is to ask you to please be aware that as you align more deeply with truth, do expect garbage to come out of you and don't be alarmed at your ugliness. Sue was quite disturbed at her anger. She felt terrible for this and thought something was wrong with her. But that's not the case. It was all old stuff coming up and out. 

The other thing to remember is anger is normal. Sue needed to learn it's okay to be angry. Of course, when there's so much that you're enraged and you're acting like a monster because it's spewing up and out, you feel like a mega sin ball. But that's simply not the case unless you allow the anger to drive you to pride, vengeance and unforgiveness.

Have you ever heard about the detoxification process? How, for example, if you had a history of bronchitis or sore throats, during a detox regimen (pending how deeply you go into it), you might get bronchitis or a sore throat. But, you aren't actually "getting" these illnesses. It's old remnants of previous infections being pulled from the molecular level, up and out. During the process of it coming out, your body acts and feels exactly as if you developed a whole new infection.  And it's the same with whatever is deep in your molecular system. All the old garbage will come up and out and you'll experience it as though it's a fresh illness. But it isn't.  

This is what was going on with Sue. Though her detox was initiated via the impartation of truth into the soul, it caused a detox just the same. So all the repressed anger, pain, lies and so forth are being kicked out. She, therefore, went through the emotions and distress of the "sickness" as though these were brand new hurts coming on her all at one time. That's why it was so severe of a purging.

What I've seen more commonly, though, is the process is less severe. In her vision, Sue was pulling out tons of petrified toxic emotions all at once. That's a mega purging. But more often than not, it's a situation of "bouts of anger" that can't be explained. Sudden sadness or remembrance of something that happened forty years ago, etc. The point is, there's all sorts of things deep down in the soul that are contrary to truth, contrary to security in God, contrary to God's love. And they have to come out somehow. And aligning with truth forces them out.

On another note (this does not pertain to toxic emotions, rather sin) but sometimes you'll dream of being sinful in ways you would never act out in real life. This happened to me a lot during my soul transformation. I'd have dreams where I woke up shocked at what I did, saying, "God, why did I dream I did that! I'd never do that in real life!" And He said, "Yes you do, only to a much, much smaller degree. I'm showing you the sin in your soul, the pride, the lies you appeal to by letting you see yourself act them out in extreme ways."  I was stunned. I understood what He was saying right away. I did do those things in far more subtle ways. FAR more subtle. So subtly that I didn't even realize the sin. Seeing the exaggeration made me see it. And I've heard others share, "I asked the Lord to show me what I need to work on and I had this dream where I did such and such, it was HORRIBLE. I would NEVER do that! Why did I dream such a thing?" And I explained that it's an exaggeration of what they actually do.

The point to my sharing that is because we were pursuing God and truth more deeply, God revealed the toxicity of particular sins we had in our soul via our dreams because it was time for those toxins to be purged. Though different than toxic emotions, a purging just the same. Consequently, I venture to say that a person with a history of habitual sin will feel like they are being tempted afresh in that area during a purging of their soul. What I mean is as you align more with truth, the sin that you've overcome might have remnants deep in the molecular level of your soul (so to speak) and during your soul's transformation, these remnants may surface and cause you to feel the temptation as though it were a new, fresh temptation so we feel like we've regressed. After all the time that has passed where this sin was "gone", now that it suddenly appears out of nowhere again, tormenting you, beckoning you to go back to it, you may feel it's hopeless or that you didn't truly overcome it. But in the case of soul transformation, I venture to say it's just a purging and don't be distressed. Just treat it the same as a fresh temptation. Resist it, tell it no, and kick it out.

All this to say... just please be aware that the closer you get to God means the sin, lies, anger and pain in you will indeed come up and out. And it won't be pretty. If you keep this in mind, you can make reference to the bullet points above and follow them in order to process the garbage out properly and completely. And you won't have to be so disturbed because now you understand... it's just the process of the purging. Amen.